Twatlight: The Epic!

Okay, first of all, Twilight sucks. Twilight sucks a lot. And I HATE the fucking Twatlighters!

Not to say that all Twilight fans are Twatlighters. Those that liked it before people began all this “OMG!TWILIGHT!” shit, are perfectly fine. You’re the original Twilight fans. You just have bad taste, is all. 'Cause Twilight is crap.

What are Twatlighters, you ask?

Well let me enlighten you.

Twatlighters: (tuh∙waht∙lie∙turrs) People (occasionally) who have a weird fan girl/boy affair with that piece of literary crap known as Twilight. Recognizable by the “Twilight” paraphernalia they shamelessly whore out, and their “I kissed a vampire, and I liked it” T-shirts. They whorishly proclaim to “<3 vampires!” and are noticeable by their soulless appearance. Have severe reactions to real literature and build “Twilight Book Clubs” in whatever poor community they chose to nest in.

So this was inspired by the fact that there is a Twatlighter breeding ground on my high school campus. May the vampire gods have mercy on us all. ;)

This is what I personally call them. It probably means something else on the 'net, but I like it too much.

Nevertheless, I hate it. It’s horrible. The books, the characters, and especially the author! OMG! Is it too much to ask that horrible books don’t become all famous! Seriously!? What the fuck is wrong with people!

The plot is like….Bleh! That’s all there is to say. It sucks. It’s like she’s randomly collecting plot ideas and smashing them all into one, trying to connect them.

The writing. It looks like she was writing a sentence and then re-writing it again to sound smart! It’s like what I used to do in 8th grade to make my essays longer!

This brings me to the second half of my Anti-Twatlighter bitch fit. (‘Cause lets face it. That’s what it is.)

The Reasons Why Twilight is Horrible Literature (if it can even be called that):

1. Bella: Whiny little bitch. That’s all there is to say. She falls in love with an abusive, old-fashioned, “wampire”. The guy is practically stalking her, and she falls in love with him. WTF!?

Btw: She has severe Daddy Issues.

2. Edward: Stupid “wampire”. Die! Die! Die!

Well that’s over. But yeah, he’s an incubus? This is a question as I stopped reading the series before I decided to commit suicide. But still, an incubus? This is why he got Bitcha pregnant? How the fuck does that work!? He’s a virgin! (Totally unbelievable by the way! 108 years old and a virgin? No way.) Incubi and Succubi are sexual creatures! It’s a mythological “fact”! Beside the Incubus thing is like a rip-off from Anita Blake (Belle Morte and Jean-Claude) and the Dresden Files (the White Court Vampires)! Totally unoriginal! And besides, it’s not even done right!

He’s also an abusive asshole with control issues.

Edward also reminds me of Richard from AB: VH, only I like Richard more, and that says something since I detest Richard! He’s also very Angel-like (Buffy: the Vampire Slayer). I mean, he is somewhat of a pedophile. She’s 18, and he’s what? Over a century old! Its very ewwww…..

Although, I’ll admit, it is somewhat hypocritical of me. But I have to add, to try to save my own ass, Bella was still a teenager!

He’s a pederast. Face it.

3. Originality: As I mentioned before, not very original. I mean the incubus thing is passable if she hadn’t done such a crappy job of adding it. Better people have done it. The premise is practically the same as “Vampire Kisses”! Which, btw, is a series I personally didn’t like, but it was pretty good.

The whole “abnormally beautiful vampires” has been done, too. What is up with that “shimmering like a million diamonds” shit!? If they’re the “perfect predators” wouldn’t sparkling in the sunlight kind of give them away? Very sloppy, didn’t connect any of the “wampires” traits to the main idea.

I can totally see Edward causing a major car pile-up because of his damn pedophilic sparkling.

4: Jacob: The only somewhat likable character goes bi-polar and his personality does like a complete 360.

He forces a kiss on Bella, in which she magically finds out she is love with him, too! OMFG! I mean she knew she was in love with that Jean-Claude-wannabe after REALLY talking to him for a handful of times, and she couldn’t tell a simple case of puppy love towards her best friend until he had to force a kiss on her?! What kind of cracked out logic is Meyer using?!

That’s not all, either! In “Breaking Dawn” he becomes a pedophile by “imprinting” on the “miracle child” who ages at an advanced level, but yet is mentally like a toddler!! WTF?! Baby-rapist! Also, back to the originality thing, fast aged vampire baby? Three words for you….Connor from Angel! Worse, he does it right after she’s born! That’s like mega-pedophile.

5. Meyer: She’s smoking crack. I detest her.

She did absolutely no research on vampires before writing that pieces of literary crap. I mean, COME ON! It’s one thing to be original, and fictionalize what you write, but don’t just randomly make things up!

Her whole series was like a four-“book” wet dream!

And her interviews make her sound retarded. No offense to mentally retarded people, didn’t mean to associate her with you.

She hasn’t read “Dracula”. There’s a reason why I’m looking for a cheap copy of it. To own. Because I want to write vampire novels.

If you plan to write about vampires…you NEED to read “Dracula”. No “ands”, “ifs, or “buts”.

A very good post on Stephanie Meyer. Courtesy of Enjoy_Every_Sandwich:
http://frogbitesays.blogspot.com/2009/03/cracked-out-things-stephenie-meyer-has.html

6. OMG!TWILIGHT!SQUEEEEEE!

No. Just no.

This is a really personal reason, but I’m putting it in here anyways.

I tell someone that I like vampires, and what do they say?

“Have you read Twilight?”

No Comment. Because if I start now, I’ll never stop.


7. Anti-feminism

I maybe male, but I am a feminist. I grew up with very strong female personalities (my mother and her sisters) and I like that in a woman. That they’re independent, and smart. To me, having females all subservient takes out the fun of humans being divided into sexes. It’s also the reason I have so many “take-charge” female friends, and get along with them, immensely.

Twatlight literally set back feminism a few hundred years.

The morale of the stories (the one I got anyways): It’s okay if he loves you.

I mean, Edward puts Bella through so much shit, and she just stays there and takes it. Like a good girl. (I roll my eyes and say this sarcastically.)

He leaves her, which in the first place says “I don’t love you”, and then tries to kill himself to be with her. Or to get away from the pain he’s feeling. Either way he’s a coward.

He comes back, and breaks her car so that she can’t see her best friend. Breaks her car. If you find this romantic you must be on some serious medication.

He bribes his sister to keep an eye on her. That alone is just weird.

Bella lives to serve Edward. Or whatever other random man around. Maybe not just men, she’s just randomly submissive. It could be either.

But it still sucks.


There. All of my reasons for hating Twilight.

Anyone want to contradict me? Looking forward to it.

Lol!

Again, by this I don't mean to offend people, but its true. You don't like it? Well, tough.

Sorry. :)

BTW: This is just an Anti-Twatlight bitch-fit. I actually plan on writing an essay on why its so bad! I just don't have the time.