Bittersweet Heaven

Dudes. Just watched my first episode of Dollhouse.

It was fucking awesome.

I can't believe I haven't discovered it before today! Its like....AHHH! I mean I always liked Eliza Dushku, I really liked her in the role of Faith, and I saw some of Tru Calling, but this just blew me away! I was like OMG!

All of you, watch this show! I highly recommend it. Very sci-fi, some of Joss Whedon's best work, in my not-so humble opinion.

I'm still waiting on the other Dresden Files books. I'm trying to not skip around a lot, and I think I'm doing a pretty good job of it. It's nothing like the Anita Blake reading fiasco of 06-08. I've only skipped like one book, so I think I'm safe.

And, of course, I'm still patiently waiting for "Skin Trade". I already pre-ordered it from the library. Lol! I only buy paperbacks because I'm poor. :)

My days have been monotonous. It's been like "BLAH!". I really need to pick up my school work, since we're almost off, and I have like two D's. Stupid AP U.S History. Grrrr....

Lawl. I have to do a collage for french class, and I'm totally stressed. Since my teacher is being somewhat of a bitch, I need to paste everything on the poster board over the weekend, and THEN go print out some pictures of me and cin for it. In color and before school. It sucks, since I'm usually in a zombie-like state in the morning.

Ugh.

I also have to do four different projects for A.P English, and study a shit-load for A.P History. It makes my head hurt. Not to mention Decathlon and Geometry. I also have to finish the drawings for the comic I have to do.

It's hard to believe that the school year is almost over. It seems like yesterday that I had just gone into High School as a freshman, with my too-cool attitude and my Teflon shield. I can hardly believe that next year I'm graduating. It's too much.

I feel old. I have no idea what I'm going to do with my life. I want to become a writer, have my name on those novels you see day-to-day, but what if I don't?

What if I don't make it? What if my writing is only mediocre, and I fail? I don't know what to do. I couldn't handle an office job, or a job where the only thing I ever see are cream-colored walls, and the blaring screen of a computer in front of me.

I believe that I would one day realize what my life had become, and end my own life. And I don't want to do that. I want to be able to do something I love. Not something I hate. Because I do have somewhat suicidal tendencies, possible bi-polar disorder, and I can get pretty drastic.

It scares me.

I don't know what to do. Too many what-ifs. I dislike "what-ifs". I'm going to try for the writing dream, if not...fashion design! Lol! I have a back-up plan. So don't expect to see me in a cramped office anytime soon. :)

Lawl Me. Bitch.